All of us commit mistakes; but why do some mistakes unforgivable for some when the other sees it to be trivial? How can one simply walk away without leaving a bitter imprint upon one’s memories? I’ve retaliated out of fear that I would make others feel the immensity of my fears and my pain. Now, I guess everything have just gotten worse; and yet again I daresay, I have this certain calm and certainty that all things shall pass without me knowing when, but there has always been hope. Hope that I’ve abandoned for some time—how I miss her—the assurance, the faith, the peace that she gives.

For years now, i’ve turned my back to a lot of ideals that I’ve once believed and fought for. I’ve left them in the dark to fend for themselves; therefore I am suffering the consequences of that desertion. There are just some things that one and even time can’t change—like memories and choices made in the past, words spoken and promises broken, lies said and secrets untold—still, after these, one needs to go on with life no matter how difficult it may seem for now. and of course, one’s faith (not just in God) but in oneself, in others, in convictions that roots more and more deeper than before. Like what I’ve wrote a few days back—

Many times have the soul been feeble,

Yet redemption has always been at arms reach

History has bled for justice

And again, I plead for mercy!

I may not be able to atone for the wrongs that I’ve done, but the self can always seek mercy for never was a time that a heart so cold could never melt for mercy. Then again, the self has been the most difficult to forgive, for it will resist shame after all the humiliation one has kept over the years. Sometimes it is better to laugh all the pain away rather than shed tears for things that one knows would never leave no matter what.

I laugh and smile for I fear I would never be able to feel happiness again. I cherish my laughters and my smiles for they are almost always echoes of my innocent soul. Amidst my bitterness and grief, I struggle to be of cheerful company to others, for I know not their hurts and I vowed never to add to theirs for I myself is hurting. I’ve always believe in humanity’s goodness, thus I would never judge, for who am I to judge them if I myself is afraid of judgment? I learned to live with different kinds of people and though some of their company I detest so much that it brings hell upon my beloved earth, I contain all these thoughts and emotions to myself for I am brought up well. I will never bite the hand that feeds me, I am forever grateful to those who’d love me more than reason can teach me.

But over the years, I’ve only seen a part of what humanity can be. I’ve let my inhibitions get the best of me, thus, the cause of a lot of my desertions. Now, I’m making amends not to others, but to myself for I have doubted and betrayed the trust that I had. I speak bluntly and vehemently of loyalty, but I was the one who first broke it.

I value friendships. A very long time ago, I’d once reached the end, the bottom, the center of the earth saving a bond which ended up like shattered glass—beyond repair. Nevertheless, I never give up on what I’ve cherished as friends—your soul’s twin according to either Aristotle or Socrates. I am not bragging, but when my being acknowledges your existence, you’ve found a loyal servant surpassing time and death. I vow devotion to the bond of friendship that I presume all of us will embark.

I’ve craved for others to escape myself; but then again, how can I escape me when I’m right here, breathing, feeling, thinking, writing, loving? I was never thankful for having myself for I was never perfect. How I hated her for all the flaws she has. I have always known myself very well, thus the choices I make, but I’ve never loved and accepted her that much. But I’ve never worried, for I know where I’m going. It’s just sometimes, I forgot where I’m supposed to go, thus the detours. But all of these follies are the very core of us being human; therefore I am thankful for my fallibility, for without it I will never learn to value everything that comes my way.

Oh well, a very Merry Christmas to all of us!

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I will cross

Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I’ve tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off…

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn’t mean you’ve won
‘Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you’ll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I’m just waiting till the shine wears off�

From Danny Boyle, director of Trainspotting and 28 Days Later, comes the story of Jamal Malik, an 18 year-old orphan from the slums of Mumbai, who is about to experience the biggest day of his life. With the whole nation watching, he is just one question away from winning a staggering 20 million rupees on India’s “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?”

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
For more info about FREE Screenings in your area, visit:
www.foxsearchlight.com/slumdogmillionair e

The official plot synopsis: I was born under unusual circumstances. And so begins Benjamin Button, adapted from the classic 1920s story by F. Scott Fitzgerald about a man who is born in his eighties and ages backwards. A man, like any of us, unable to stop time. We follow his story set in New Orleans from the end of World War I in 1918, into the twenty-first century, following his journey that is as unusual as any mans life can be. Directed by David Fincher and starring Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett with Tilda Swinton, Taraji P. Henson, Jason Flemyng, Elias Koteas and Julia Ormond, Benjamin Button, is a time travelers tale of the people and places he bumps into along the way, the loves he loses and finds, the joys of life and the sadness of death, and what lasts beyond time.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button hits theaters on Christmas Day 2008.

In theaters 1/25/08- Four short fables in which characters collide with fate — and each other — comprise THE AIR I BREATHE, an ambitious and absorbing drama from debuting director/writer Jieho Lee. Boasting a brilliant ensemble cast, the film is inspired by a Chinese proverb that breaks life down into four key emotions — Happiness, Sorrow, Pleasure, and Love — and each vignette is built around a character who embodies one of these key emotions.

In “Happiness,” 2006 Best Actor Oscar Winner Forest Whitaker stars as a timid banker who impulsively bets every cent he has, and then some, on a supposedly “sure thing.” In “Sorrow,” Sarah Michelle Gellar is a rising pop star whose contract falls under the control of a ruthless crime boss (Oscar-nominee Andy Garcia), and his corrupt nephew (Emile Hirsch). In “Pleasure,” Brendan Fraser stars as a man who can see into the future of everyone he meets, but is totally blind when it comes to his own; and in “Love,” Kevin Bacon plays a doctor who pines for a woman he can never possess (Julie Delpy), only to find that he suddenly holds her life in his hands. Though each of the characters believes that his or her life is governed by hazard and chance, their unbridled emotions, impulsive choices, and reckless moves all prove one universal truth: character is destiny, and each of us makes our own fate.

As someone battling an Eating Disorder, there is so much confusion in hearing these “voices”… they speak from a place within us that is filled with low self-esteem, that wants to believe we deserve not to be happy, and to believe that we are worthless. I’ve heard them described as “loud thoughts”, “my own head” and as “a voice/voices”. They speak those things that convince us we’re stupid, worthless, deserving to be unhappy, not to eat, to keep eating or that we have to get rid of what we ate. They tell us “the world would be better without you.” They come from that place within us plagued with negativity and self-hate, encouraging us to continue with our Eating Disorder, and convincing us that we do not deserve recovery, that we deserve a life of pain.

The voices of our Eating Disorders also convince us we have no will power, that we are weak when we’ve eaten, and that no one will ever love us. They harass us with guilt and even berate us for the Eating Disorder behavior itself. It is no wonder recovery is so difficult and such hard work. We are battling with ourselves over what we are convinced we deserve (and that our negative voices keep reminding us of) as opposed to what we truly do deserve (recovery, happiness and self-love!).

Grounding Methods

Ideas for when you feel out of control, are having a flashback and/or need grounding…

• Remind yourself “I’m going to be ok” and “I’m not crazy”… this is a normal part of the recovery process
• Plant your feet firmly on the ground
• Count up 1 to 10 then back 10 to 1
• Say out loud things you see and smell
• Touch the wall, the floor and objects close to you
• Call someone on the phone
• Walk around and watch your own feet – listen to the sound
• Listen to yourself breathe – Do deep breathing
• Listen to music and count the beats
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help
• Hug someone safe
• Hold someone’s hand (someone safe)
• Tear up paper, throw ice, chew ice chips
• Visualize the memory as an object and put it “away” (for example, the memory is a blue rubber ball and you put it in a toybox)
• Focus on details… leaves on trees, blades of grass, fibers in carpet
• Call your therapist
• Call a Hotline
• Hold and/or talk to a stuffed animal
• Fight the voices – change the negatives to positives
• Play an instrument
• Gently wash your face, hands or hair
• Do gardening, shovel snow or mow the lawn
• Color in a coloring book
• Rock in a rocking chair
• Touch a familiar object that you carry with you (keys, a necklace) or listen to your watch ticking
• Hold and pet your cat or dog
• Make a list of things to do or shopping list
• Write down who and where you are
• Pray, talk yourself down or yell
• Say what you feel outloud, even if you have to yell or cry!
• Change your environment… walk out of the room, touch something different, change the sounds around you (put on music, turn on the tv, etc.), eat something different and “safe”, smell something different (perfume, flowers, food, grass, etc.)
• Visualize a stop sign
• Dance to music
• Say outloud “I am here right now”… assure yourself that this is a normal process for you
• Do self-affirmation… read books, listen to tapes and write down good things about yourself
• Identify your triggers (things that make you feel badly or have bad memories or flashbacks)

I heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don’t really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah…

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah…

baby i’ve been here before
i’ve seen this room and i’ve walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

hallelujah…

well there was a time when you let me know
what’s really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there’s a god above
but all i’ve ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it’s not a cry that you hear at night
it’s not somebody who’s seen the light
it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

hallelujah…

jeff buckley version

i never thought i can write good poems enough for others to praise the poem for itself. i believe that words have their hold on me and not the other way around.

i thank God for this gift. it makes me happy.