All of us commit mistakes; but why do some mistakes unforgivable for some when the other sees it to be trivial? How can one simply walk away without leaving a bitter imprint upon one’s memories? I’ve retaliated out of fear that I would make others feel the immensity of my fears and my pain. Now, I guess everything have just gotten worse; and yet again I daresay, I have this certain calm and certainty that all things shall pass without me knowing when, but there has always been hope. Hope that I’ve abandoned for some time—how I miss her—the assurance, the faith, the peace that she gives.

For years now, i’ve turned my back to a lot of ideals that I’ve once believed and fought for. I’ve left them in the dark to fend for themselves; therefore I am suffering the consequences of that desertion. There are just some things that one and even time can’t change—like memories and choices made in the past, words spoken and promises broken, lies said and secrets untold—still, after these, one needs to go on with life no matter how difficult it may seem for now. and of course, one’s faith (not just in God) but in oneself, in others, in convictions that roots more and more deeper than before. Like what I’ve wrote a few days back—

Many times have the soul been feeble,

Yet redemption has always been at arms reach

History has bled for justice

And again, I plead for mercy!

I may not be able to atone for the wrongs that I’ve done, but the self can always seek mercy for never was a time that a heart so cold could never melt for mercy. Then again, the self has been the most difficult to forgive, for it will resist shame after all the humiliation one has kept over the years. Sometimes it is better to laugh all the pain away rather than shed tears for things that one knows would never leave no matter what.

I laugh and smile for I fear I would never be able to feel happiness again. I cherish my laughters and my smiles for they are almost always echoes of my innocent soul. Amidst my bitterness and grief, I struggle to be of cheerful company to others, for I know not their hurts and I vowed never to add to theirs for I myself is hurting. I’ve always believe in humanity’s goodness, thus I would never judge, for who am I to judge them if I myself is afraid of judgment? I learned to live with different kinds of people and though some of their company I detest so much that it brings hell upon my beloved earth, I contain all these thoughts and emotions to myself for I am brought up well. I will never bite the hand that feeds me, I am forever grateful to those who’d love me more than reason can teach me.

But over the years, I’ve only seen a part of what humanity can be. I’ve let my inhibitions get the best of me, thus, the cause of a lot of my desertions. Now, I’m making amends not to others, but to myself for I have doubted and betrayed the trust that I had. I speak bluntly and vehemently of loyalty, but I was the one who first broke it.

I value friendships. A very long time ago, I’d once reached the end, the bottom, the center of the earth saving a bond which ended up like shattered glass—beyond repair. Nevertheless, I never give up on what I’ve cherished as friends—your soul’s twin according to either Aristotle or Socrates. I am not bragging, but when my being acknowledges your existence, you’ve found a loyal servant surpassing time and death. I vow devotion to the bond of friendship that I presume all of us will embark.

I’ve craved for others to escape myself; but then again, how can I escape me when I’m right here, breathing, feeling, thinking, writing, loving? I was never thankful for having myself for I was never perfect. How I hated her for all the flaws she has. I have always known myself very well, thus the choices I make, but I’ve never loved and accepted her that much. But I’ve never worried, for I know where I’m going. It’s just sometimes, I forgot where I’m supposed to go, thus the detours. But all of these follies are the very core of us being human; therefore I am thankful for my fallibility, for without it I will never learn to value everything that comes my way.

Oh well, a very Merry Christmas to all of us!